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The most wonderful time of the year…?

Hi all,

I have so much to write. But i am Not in a position to write it right now. I’m learning (slowly, but progressively) trauma is a process. I am still working on SWT but the honest to God truth is, working on something that Dave poured his heart and soul in to–it hurts. It cuts to the quick.  Missing him is a physical pain that feels like someone is squeezing my heart, tighter and tighter.  working on SWT is acknowledging that loss, and acknowledging it’s just myself at the controls now; he isn’t coming back in this life.

 

Allow me to share something I wrote on a different forum to commemorate the year since he passed (10-25-17) and my dear, dear lovelies, thank you for your words and support and understanding. No point in bringing drama on to this page–but you’ll never realize how alone the kids and i truly are, and how much you have helped us.

Hell Week: Typically defined as the final week that separates the candidates who will succeed as a Navy SEAL from those who won’t.

So I guess I could say that it separates those who will survive from those who simply can’t hack it?

This is the beginning of My “Hell Week,” folks. Today was the day Dave and I had been prepared to go to Little Rock for his preop workup. We were literally loading up the car when the call came in that an emergency case had bumped Dave’s surgery, and everything was being pushed a day out.

So we shrugged, and left the suitcases by the door…and did beautifully mundane things together for that day. Things like shoe shopping. I had extremely bad plantar fascitis that wasn’t resolving and Dave was extremely concerned. A long nap wrapped up in each other’s arms in the middle of the afternoon.

I believe that deep down, he knew he was likely to not survive the surgery. He made several comments to that effect. He bought nice things for the kids, “at least if I die, they’ll have something good to remember me by.”

The weather was finally starting to cool this week last year, and so we also spent some time picking out more winter appropriate clothes for K and D. Pants, jackets, things like that.

Isn’t it funny how it isn’t the big things that set you off? I have a couple PM & hospital pics on my phone of Dave and i can look at them all day long and just marvel at how handsome he was, and wish with all my heart I could keep him with me for always, but my mind can reconcile an inanimate figure. It can guard much less safely against the memories that the million little things still connected to him in my day to day can evoke without warning. A Thousand little deaths, that can be died over and over.

Last night the official “kick off” was pants. The tiny little pair of 2T navy blue sweats we bought for K a year ago. I was folding them into the hand me down pile for D’s winter wardrobe and it all hit, like a freight train against a brick wall without ever attempting to brake.

Pants that Dave and I bought, that he never got to see K in. My two youngest babies getting a quick hug and kiss from their daddy on the morning of a routine surgery, and never seeing him again. I sometimes wonder what trauma exists in their little minds from that, what things they think but can’t express to me. Tantrums and tears are routine for toddlers at their ages, but is K’s fear of me walking away spurred by Dave’s disappearance? He was never like this prior to his death.

The memories…awash in memories i can’t stop or even control the direction of. Times like these my photographic memory is a curse, as i flash from one memory of us to another, and i can hear his laugh or his quiet voice, or remember the feel of his skin or his clothes as it touched me, and i ache, in the way you double over and cry so hard you are still crying, but you can’t make sound anymore.

D is his mini me. All of the children favor me more, personality wise. D, though…with those dark, wild curls, and her brown eyes that are his twin; when she smiles at me it is looking at pictures from him as a little kid. She is the most like him personality wise, as well–things she enjoys (like movies) to foods she likes, the whole nine yards. Sometimes it is painful to watch her as she moves about, navigating her childhood, because of their similarities. I am also blessed to have that little piece of him to hold so close to my heart for always.

I find myself wondering why this wasn’t a trial deal. Ok, this year really sucked even worse than i thought it would without him; so I learned a lot of good lessons but i want my husband back, now. Please. Then it slowly sinks in, there isn’t any going back. This is a forever deal.

Dave’s passing has been multi-faceted and nuclear detonation devastating in its impact on the children and I. The hardest thing that i have had to face is taking the impact of the awful news broadside, to protect the kids, as it came crashing at us like waves in a Cat 4 hurricane. I mentioned months ago that i chose to have an autopsy performed on Dave because the information that I was provided at the “post failed surgery” family conference did not match up with what i knew to be accurate physiological functioning.

The results took about two months to come in and the ME I assigned Dave’s case to, to generate the final report. The report brought me to my knees in tears: there is officially no doubt that medical negligence occurred and that Dave’s death was preventable. That said, because of the extremely conservative nature of medical malpractice law in Arkansas, the case would be almost impossible to prove. After several rejections from different law firms I have chosen to let this avenue go. I was never hoping to profit from his loss, but hoping that attention being brought to lack of standardized “best practice care” would force the facility Dave was at to amend their practices and potentially prevent other tragedies. Unfortunately, this view seems to be anathema to the medical field here, and rather than continue to body slam myself into a wall, i find it better to redirect my energy and efforts into myself and the kids.

Recieving the autopsy report was the most devastating part of this entire year journey, though. Not for the information it contained, but because of the horrible, synapse-short circuiting reality the simple existence of those pages represented: No matter what Dave officially died of? No matter what the autopsy confirmed or left blank, there was one bitter truth I had to swallow. Dave, the man whose life path I had aligned myself with, my best friend, the father of my children, my rock, my literal everything…was gone. Legally no longer in existence, and nothing I said or did, or asked others to do for me, was going to change that.

Irretrievably beyond my reach until the next realm. I can’t explain how watching our children grow up is the most poignantly painful beauty; to hear K start really talking and wanting to share the world and interact with it, or D run down the hall towards me, her little ghetto booty (Dave had one, too LOL) just going side to side a mile a minute and her little voice as she cries “mama!” with a huge smile and puts her arms up. S growing up, navigating his way into adulthood…and A with her cheerful demeanor and intelligence and sense of fun, and to not have him to turn to and share all of this “now” and the joy of the coming years with…that is a hard life sentence.

People tell me i am so young, i can start over. I don’t understand the meaning of their well-intentioned advice. I am aware every single day that I have had something happen that almost no one else can relate to. In many ways, this has led to feeling displaced from my life: In a world of late 30-somethings getting divorced from their spouses and itching to be free of their marital obligations? They simply cannot wrap their heads around the concept of losing a partner one had no intention of separating from; try as they might, they simply don’t relate to that loss or that pain, and it is isolating. I feel sometimes like i am a caterpillar who completed her metamorphosis to a butterfly before any of her friends…and so I am still trying to hang out with the caterpillars and pretend I am the same, and failing miserably.

I AM different. I’m a 37 year old widow who lost the love of her life far too young. Who doesn’t understand why people act like being widowed young is some sort of consolation prize…that not even being chronologically at my half life means i may live another lifetime and a half without the man i loved more than my life by my side. A true life sentence, without him or i having ever committed a crime.

So here we are at a year. I’m alive, and I am getting stronger, and the pain is lessening because i am getting used to it as my constant companion in Dave’s absence. I am finally coming out of the fog and pulling the pieces back together and lovingly smearing copious amounts of putty into the cracks, and then epoxying the whole mess, trying to keep it all from falling apart again. I try to keep Stitch’s words in my mind and heart “My family is small and broken, but still good.”

We are smaller by one critical person, and the kids and I are cracked and dented and fractured…but we are still good. We are still here, and still moving forward. That in itself is a huge accomplishment for us at this point in time.

So i cry. I ache for Dave, but I keep putting one foot in front of the other…if nothing else, knowing that each footfall on this path called life carries me one step away from our physical time together, but one step closer to my soul being reunited with his.

“Embrace the storms in life. Rain makes things grow.” I love you baby. I hope you’re pleased with the new growth after the terrible storm we’ve all endured.

 

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Up in smoke…

I had a quippy post planned for you all, but all I can say is :

SHIT. We had a fire.  Everyone is fine, Our stuff is mostly fine, (smoky and gross) but there is (as you can imagine) a LOT of cleaning and reorganizing to do right now. Thank god we caught it almost immediately and were able to get it put out.  I am also immensely thankful that we were cleaning the house out for new furniture, and that it hadn’t arrived yet.

This will set me back, but it will not defeat me.  I will return soon, and stronger than ever (if mopping the ceiling doesn’t kill me, first.)

In the meanwhile, I have had requests for an email notification system for new files, updates, the works.  If you would like to be on this list send me an email **From the email you want to be notified at** and just make “add me” your subject line.  I hope to have a bit of fun with my email list here in the very near future.

In the meanwhile, here’s a coupon for 25% off: Burnitdown18

Thank you for all you do, and your support!

 

 

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(Deep breath) OK. For those of you out there who haven’t tried raising 4 kids after the death of a partner and running a business and dealing with all the legal mumbo jumbo that both the death and business entail? I don’t recommend it. At all. It’s like waking up at the bottom of a deep, muddy, slick hole and clawing your way to the first available handhold, frantically digging out a makeshift shelf and then collapsing, exhausted–all while praying rain doesn’t come and destabilize the whole mess and send you back to the bottom of the hole. The rains come way too frequently, to boot. I feel like i am in a mud sucking mess more times than not. I keep clawing, though. I am determined to see the edge of this hole and the beginning of the next chapter of mine and the kids’ lives begin sooner than later. This isn’t permanent, it’s simply a line of demarcation between what was good, and what will be even better.

I miss him, y’all.  I miss him with every breath I take. His smile, his laugh, his sense of humor.  Everything. I wear his thumbprint around my neck engraved on the back with “imprinted on my heart forever.” The countless days ahead of me echo hollowly, knowing he isn’t there to make them meaningful. No one stops and tells you that when a person dies? Their physical death is actually the least impactful.  You can reconcile a now inanimate body in your brain.  However, when you are going through personal belongings, folding up shirts and pants that still smell like the person you loved most in the world? Or throwing away items they used, but you have no use for? Those million little things create new deaths, new sensations of loss. Those, my dears–those are the deaths that can, and DO–shred your heart.

I have a lot to share with you. I have received many requests to tell my side of the SWT story and it’s birth, and If you would permit me? I would like to.  For the catharsis it brings my heart, and to keep SWT and the amazing person he is (just on a non corporeal level, now) alive, even if in just a few hearts and minds.

I apologize for the lack of files. My computer system went belly up at the same time my vehicle died.  I was able to secure financing for a new toyota sienna (which got totaled by a deer two weeks later, joy) concussed me, and put hiatus on all my other plans until the issue of death legalities was settled. I am upgrading here in the next week-ish. I am working as fast as I can, please bear with me. This is tougher than I could have ever imagined.

However, I am hoping that over the next few months the more normal, playful, SWT inspiring side of me begins to shine through for y’all and your benefit.

Here is a coupon code for y’all: summersun18 and it is worth 30% off.

Mwahs!  I love you all so much, thank you for being loyal and loving and supportive during such a difficult time.  You bring sunshine peeking out on my darkest days.

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OMG.

Ok, ok…I know I said no more public facing posts  until January.  What can I say?  I can’t stay away from you guys….!  LOL

Seriously, though–I made mention in my last post that changes were coming as I transitioned the business away from SWTs umbrella and got everything situated under mine.  So to update you all:

  1. paypal transactions will now show up as processed to unlimitedpo.  That is my business name, Unlimited Potential Technologies.  That way you all know no fraud or strange, shady happenings are occurring.
  2. Paypal and amazon have decided to break,for some reason known only to the universe itself.  This means that links are not being generated with purchases.  I will try to keep on top of these orders and will email links to all purchasers once a day in the evening, until I can figure out what in Hades happened and get it working right.  I apologize for the inconvenience this represents to all of you!!  I will have it back on track ASAP, I promise.
  3. The new email is mistresstrainher@gmail.com.  I have this email linked to my mobile devices so I can keep an eye on what is going on in real-time and try to nip these annoying issues in the bud.

Any questions?  Email me!  I really do love hearing from you all for anything and everything.  I’ll do my best to answer within a day.  Take care and all of you, BE SAFE and have a happy holiday!!

 

 

 

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Jolly Holidays, Indeed

The best part of Christmas is spreading that holiday cheer and glow to those around you, right?  I’ll be adding my address at the end of this post for those of you generous enough to send me various libations to make sure I’m feeling that warm glow through the new years…:)

Send me your sexiest “What I want for Christmas” story, fantasy, etc–and I’ll make sure Santa puts something extra nice in your stocking when he visits Christmas eve!!!

 

~mSWT

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Lifting the Veil

Hi All,

This is Melissa (missus SWT).  I have been delaying posting for over two weeks now, and I apologize.  Dave (SWT) passed away shortly after my last update in the early hours of the morning on October 25.  I don’t know what all he shared with you as a group, but I have been humbled with the outpouring of support you all had given him prior to the procedure, especially when family and friends couldn’t be bothered to call or check in on us, let alone take time to listen to him or offer help.  I have medical background–before I became a lazily content, well-trained housewife, I was employed in a cutting edge, level-one trauma center on the west coast.  I received a call from the hospital just after midnight and I could hear shouting and code alarms going wild in the back ground.  The RN wouldn’t tell me anything, of course–except that Dave’s condition had changed and I needed to get in ASAP. I woke up four sleepy kids, hauled them in to the car, and drove the 10 minutes from our hotel to the hospital.  When I got there the information was sparse from the staff–Dave had experienced a sudden run of ventricular fibrillation and while they were trying to cardiovert him back to a normal rhythm, his heart stopped completely. Apparently a staff doctor on that night was familiar with ECMO (a portable type of heart-lung bypass) and was able to get Dave on to that to buy them more time to get OR set up.

They took him to OR and after that, I have a lot of speculation as to what occurred.  In the medical conference which followed after, I was told his official time of death was called at 0307.  There was a lot of medical jargon bandied about, most of what had absolutely nothing to do with the reality of anatomy and physiology I understood, and when I asked questions I was stonewalled with a quick finality.  The surgeon’s practice has refused to contact me since that day, even to provide the medical excuses necessary for my two oldest to return to school. To give you an idea, I DID have a private autopsy conducted on SWT and I am currently awaiting the results of that, with an eye to pursuing medical malpractice.  My understanding is that this is NOT a first or second occurrence of the surgeons operating, and this makes me sick, not just for me, but for any other family that has suffered such a senseless, preventable loss.

 

So forgive me, this two weeks has been a blur of adjusting to a reality that I never truly entertained.  When SWT passed that morning, I didn’t just lose my husband.  I lost my lover, my best friend, and my partner in crime.  I lost a lifetime of our dreams, our hopes, and our plans–in the space of two hours. More than anything, I never realized how SWT and I were always “touching.”  He had a day job, and during the evening we were in close proximity as we worked on our site, but we were always connected in some way, no matter  how close or far apart we were. Sometimes text and g chat or silly little text  messages.  In the evenings it was long talks and snuggles and laughter while we did our thing, or talking from different rooms if we had separate projects going on.  Now he is gone, and the silence is absolutely deafening.  His things sit in our house, as if he will walk in the door at any moment–but the shadows fall, and lengthen, and I am faced with the reality that another day will pass without his cheerful “hey baby” and a sweet kiss when he walks in from work–that those days without him will now stretch to infinity.  I have two of everything in the world I now have no further use for, and the one thing I needed more than the oxygen I breathe is gone forever.  I am trying to learn how to grieve while honoring my four kids unique grieving styles, and hold what is left of my family together.  I feel that I should eulogize him more, but when trying to describe him, words fail.  I opted to have him cremated, as i will be returning home to the west coast as soon as school is over for the year, to avoid upsetting my kids more.  After finalizing arrangements, I was informed that my urn was available for engraving.  I picked a quote that I think embodies our marriage and our life together, and that is what I will share with you.  “Every once in a while, in the middle of an ordinary life, Love gives us a Fairytale.” He was my knight, my protector,my everything. My  existence was so much brighter for having him in it, and I just have still not accepted the reality that his amazing story has come to an end, and that mine must march on, so much less colorful and mundane without his vivid splashes of ingenuity, and humor, and irreverence for life and its constraints brightening up my more serious nature.

 

He had such affection for all of you as a group.  What started out as a random money making idea (Hey, is there a market for this?? Let’s find out!) Quickly became a passion as your success stories started to trickle in and he realized he was providing something that was not only wanted, but was truly helping the market he was tapping in to.  He loved sharing your stories with me, and we loved getting feedback from you and devising new scripts together based on your input.  I oftentimes wonder if we maybe knew what was going to happen.  We loved harder those last couple weeks, and we talked about things we have never before approached–things like the question of what would happen to SWT if he were to  die on the table, or sometime immediately following.  His overwhelming desire was to have me continue the site in his absence. I want to let you all know I’ve decided to do that. Ever since SWT came clean and admitted what he was doing to me, I’ve been instrumental in designing and testing the scripts.  I can’t believe I am doing this without my partner, but I would like to continue to provide you all feedback driven, high quality files that address many of the issues SWT and I overcame in our marriage to have a relationship that was (I am now finding out) the envy of so many people that knew us.  Please bear with me, SWT was my IT Geek Knight, and was the far more proficient of us at uploading files, managing coupons, etc.  I am still learning this side of the business and will be using the holiday breaks coming up to bring myself up to speed  on all of this, so I can begin rolling out files ASAP.  In the meanwhile, October was our best month overall in the history of the site!!  SWT is smiling, I know it.  I also know he’d roll out a coupon to celebrate and to thank all of you for your support!  I am  going to roll out a 25% sitewide coupon through Black friday (pssssst, there may be special deals on BF too) to give thanks.  Thanks for making our site such a fantastic success.  Thanks for anything you choose to be thankful for.  Remember to take a moment to give thanks especially for those important in your life, and if you can, take a moment to show them your affection.  Something I’ve learned in raw, painful clarity the last couple weeks is that tomorrow is NOT promised, so fill today with as much joy and love and sunshine as you can.

 

I am not going to post about our current “situation” here, but if you are interested in how we are doing, if we need assistance, etc–please feel free to contact me.  I will be manning the SWT email from now on, and I will be happy to give more details in a less public setting.  Thank you all for all your support!!

 

–mSWT

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SWT’s surgery update

Hi All,

This is SWTs wife, and I wanted to give y’all an update on him post surgery.  I apologize for not getting information out sooner–we were on the way to preop screening Thursday when we got the call the surgery had been postponed to yesterday due to an emergency case needing to be prioritized over his procedure.  He took a good long while coming out of anesthetic yesterday and while his heart has been “fixed” it is beating far too slowly and so he’s still requiring external pacing.  At this point the medical staff is looking at medication to stimulate his heart beat and if that fails, a permanently implanted pacemaker.

Regardless, his echocardiogram today showed excellent ventricular and mitral valve function.  So it’s simply a waiting game on the heartbeat.  We appreciate the well wishes and support you all have shown; it really has meant more to us than we can express.  As for the site–I was training (hahaha) on how to run everything but we ran out of time.  We’re hoping SWT is out of the hospital by Friday/Saturday this week, and then it will be a few days before he can resume limited work on the site for about 3 weeks.  Please be patient, we’ll be back to full throttle ASAP.

 

“Good” is relative, but he really does look worlds better from just 24 hours ago!

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Infiltrate Her Mind With Our Subtle Vanilla Affirmations

The winner of our $100 Best Comment Contest winner will be revealed tomorrow night. In the meantime:

Everyone who remembers the first generation of our Legacy products knows that those files mixed vanilla affirmations like “Lose Weight” or “Love to Exercise” with our more devious sexual affirmations. When we started making the Gen2 files, we went to more specialized affirmations: so just a straight sexual affirmation only.

We have finally released two of our most popular vanilla affirmations in the Gen2 format, but with special modifications. In addition to exhorting your wife to exercise more or eat less, they also pound her brain constantly with sexual images of you, a desire to become a submissive slut for you, and overwhelming waves of arousal. The more she listens, the hornier she’s going to get, and never realize it, because she will be so happy with her weight loss/exercise goal successes.

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The first files in this set (many more are coming) are:

Lose Weight Now focuses on giving your wife thousands of affirmations an hour encouraging her to eat right, stick to small portions, avoid snacking, control her appetite, and all the other things her subconscious needs help with for managing a successful diet. In addition, though, she will also be hearing hundreds of affirmations assuring her that she is horny as fuck, slowly changing into a submissive cum-slut, and increasingly addicted to sex with her husband: YOU.

Love to Exercise  gives your wife 1000 affirmations an hour encouraging her to exercise every day, stick to her training goals, find sexual satisfaction (and constantly increasing arousal) with every exercise session, and all the other things her subconscious needs help with for trimming and toning her body into a sexual dynamo. The more she exercises, the more she’ll come to accept all the training within the file. She’ll realize she’s losing the pounds so she can be sexier, sluttier, and have even more fantastic sex with you, and then when you add our regular series of sexual behavior files, her mind and body will be primed to accept all her new training even more eagerly.

 

All of our new files have seven tracks playing at the same time, in addition to the masking “flavor.” Four of the tracks are different women repeating the affirmations for each file. The fifth track is a male voice, “instructing” your wife by telling her she will start doing the actions in the affirmations. The final two tracks are women having loud, satisfying sex. The combination of all these voices and sounds are extraordinarily powerful in infiltrating your wife’s mind and psyche, turning her attentions toward the topics you’ve specifically targeted for her to learn.

 

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EVERYTHING MUST GO! (50% off sale on EVERYTHING!)

Hey everyone!

Well, it’s been a while. I’ve been on an extended holiday, and I owe a few of you some custom files. But more importantly, I have mastered a new method of generating subliminals that has shown remarkable strength in changing the thought patterns of women.

Starting this weekend, we are beginning the release of our 2nd Generation of subliminal files. In addition, we’re now bundling all versions of any particular file into a single product: so you can get Rain, Ocean, and Silent versions of any product with a single order.

To apologize for being away, and to celebrate the new product line coming out, we are placing **the entire site** on sale. All products are now 50% off, and will remain so until they are replaced by their newer versions. All you have to do is use coupon code HALFOFF at checkout, and your total price will be cut in half.

2016 promises to be a huge year. We’ve got some very special fetishes in mind for you to start training your wife with. Get ready for the sex of your life with the woman you chose to spend your life with. It’s going to get wild!