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The most wonderful time of the year…?

Hi all,

I have so much to write. But i am Not in a position to write it right now. I’m learning (slowly, but progressively) trauma is a process. I am still working on SWT but the honest to God truth is, working on something that Dave poured his heart and soul in to–it hurts. It cuts to the quick.  Missing him is a physical pain that feels like someone is squeezing my heart, tighter and tighter.  working on SWT is acknowledging that loss, and acknowledging it’s just myself at the controls now; he isn’t coming back in this life.

 

Allow me to share something I wrote on a different forum to commemorate the year since he passed (10-25-17) and my dear, dear lovelies, thank you for your words and support and understanding. No point in bringing drama on to this page–but you’ll never realize how alone the kids and i truly are, and how much you have helped us.

Hell Week: Typically defined as the final week that separates the candidates who will succeed as a Navy SEAL from those who won’t.

So I guess I could say that it separates those who will survive from those who simply can’t hack it?

This is the beginning of My “Hell Week,” folks. Today was the day Dave and I had been prepared to go to Little Rock for his preop workup. We were literally loading up the car when the call came in that an emergency case had bumped Dave’s surgery, and everything was being pushed a day out.

So we shrugged, and left the suitcases by the door…and did beautifully mundane things together for that day. Things like shoe shopping. I had extremely bad plantar fascitis that wasn’t resolving and Dave was extremely concerned. A long nap wrapped up in each other’s arms in the middle of the afternoon.

I believe that deep down, he knew he was likely to not survive the surgery. He made several comments to that effect. He bought nice things for the kids, “at least if I die, they’ll have something good to remember me by.”

The weather was finally starting to cool this week last year, and so we also spent some time picking out more winter appropriate clothes for K and D. Pants, jackets, things like that.

Isn’t it funny how it isn’t the big things that set you off? I have a couple PM & hospital pics on my phone of Dave and i can look at them all day long and just marvel at how handsome he was, and wish with all my heart I could keep him with me for always, but my mind can reconcile an inanimate figure. It can guard much less safely against the memories that the million little things still connected to him in my day to day can evoke without warning. A Thousand little deaths, that can be died over and over.

Last night the official “kick off” was pants. The tiny little pair of 2T navy blue sweats we bought for K a year ago. I was folding them into the hand me down pile for D’s winter wardrobe and it all hit, like a freight train against a brick wall without ever attempting to brake.

Pants that Dave and I bought, that he never got to see K in. My two youngest babies getting a quick hug and kiss from their daddy on the morning of a routine surgery, and never seeing him again. I sometimes wonder what trauma exists in their little minds from that, what things they think but can’t express to me. Tantrums and tears are routine for toddlers at their ages, but is K’s fear of me walking away spurred by Dave’s disappearance? He was never like this prior to his death.

The memories…awash in memories i can’t stop or even control the direction of. Times like these my photographic memory is a curse, as i flash from one memory of us to another, and i can hear his laugh or his quiet voice, or remember the feel of his skin or his clothes as it touched me, and i ache, in the way you double over and cry so hard you are still crying, but you can’t make sound anymore.

D is his mini me. All of the children favor me more, personality wise. D, though…with those dark, wild curls, and her brown eyes that are his twin; when she smiles at me it is looking at pictures from him as a little kid. She is the most like him personality wise, as well–things she enjoys (like movies) to foods she likes, the whole nine yards. Sometimes it is painful to watch her as she moves about, navigating her childhood, because of their similarities. I am also blessed to have that little piece of him to hold so close to my heart for always.

I find myself wondering why this wasn’t a trial deal. Ok, this year really sucked even worse than i thought it would without him; so I learned a lot of good lessons but i want my husband back, now. Please. Then it slowly sinks in, there isn’t any going back. This is a forever deal.

Dave’s passing has been multi-faceted and nuclear detonation devastating in its impact on the children and I. The hardest thing that i have had to face is taking the impact of the awful news broadside, to protect the kids, as it came crashing at us like waves in a Cat 4 hurricane. I mentioned months ago that i chose to have an autopsy performed on Dave because the information that I was provided at the “post failed surgery” family conference did not match up with what i knew to be accurate physiological functioning.

The results took about two months to come in and the ME I assigned Dave’s case to, to generate the final report. The report brought me to my knees in tears: there is officially no doubt that medical negligence occurred and that Dave’s death was preventable. That said, because of the extremely conservative nature of medical malpractice law in Arkansas, the case would be almost impossible to prove. After several rejections from different law firms I have chosen to let this avenue go. I was never hoping to profit from his loss, but hoping that attention being brought to lack of standardized “best practice care” would force the facility Dave was at to amend their practices and potentially prevent other tragedies. Unfortunately, this view seems to be anathema to the medical field here, and rather than continue to body slam myself into a wall, i find it better to redirect my energy and efforts into myself and the kids.

Recieving the autopsy report was the most devastating part of this entire year journey, though. Not for the information it contained, but because of the horrible, synapse-short circuiting reality the simple existence of those pages represented: No matter what Dave officially died of? No matter what the autopsy confirmed or left blank, there was one bitter truth I had to swallow. Dave, the man whose life path I had aligned myself with, my best friend, the father of my children, my rock, my literal everything…was gone. Legally no longer in existence, and nothing I said or did, or asked others to do for me, was going to change that.

Irretrievably beyond my reach until the next realm. I can’t explain how watching our children grow up is the most poignantly painful beauty; to hear K start really talking and wanting to share the world and interact with it, or D run down the hall towards me, her little ghetto booty (Dave had one, too LOL) just going side to side a mile a minute and her little voice as she cries “mama!” with a huge smile and puts her arms up. S growing up, navigating his way into adulthood…and A with her cheerful demeanor and intelligence and sense of fun, and to not have him to turn to and share all of this “now” and the joy of the coming years with…that is a hard life sentence.

People tell me i am so young, i can start over. I don’t understand the meaning of their well-intentioned advice. I am aware every single day that I have had something happen that almost no one else can relate to. In many ways, this has led to feeling displaced from my life: In a world of late 30-somethings getting divorced from their spouses and itching to be free of their marital obligations? They simply cannot wrap their heads around the concept of losing a partner one had no intention of separating from; try as they might, they simply don’t relate to that loss or that pain, and it is isolating. I feel sometimes like i am a caterpillar who completed her metamorphosis to a butterfly before any of her friends…and so I am still trying to hang out with the caterpillars and pretend I am the same, and failing miserably.

I AM different. I’m a 37 year old widow who lost the love of her life far too young. Who doesn’t understand why people act like being widowed young is some sort of consolation prize…that not even being chronologically at my half life means i may live another lifetime and a half without the man i loved more than my life by my side. A true life sentence, without him or i having ever committed a crime.

So here we are at a year. I’m alive, and I am getting stronger, and the pain is lessening because i am getting used to it as my constant companion in Dave’s absence. I am finally coming out of the fog and pulling the pieces back together and lovingly smearing copious amounts of putty into the cracks, and then epoxying the whole mess, trying to keep it all from falling apart again. I try to keep Stitch’s words in my mind and heart “My family is small and broken, but still good.”

We are smaller by one critical person, and the kids and I are cracked and dented and fractured…but we are still good. We are still here, and still moving forward. That in itself is a huge accomplishment for us at this point in time.

So i cry. I ache for Dave, but I keep putting one foot in front of the other…if nothing else, knowing that each footfall on this path called life carries me one step away from our physical time together, but one step closer to my soul being reunited with his.

“Embrace the storms in life. Rain makes things grow.” I love you baby. I hope you’re pleased with the new growth after the terrible storm we’ve all endured.

 

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Up in smoke…

I had a quippy post planned for you all, but all I can say is :

SHIT. We had a fire.  Everyone is fine, Our stuff is mostly fine, (smoky and gross) but there is (as you can imagine) a LOT of cleaning and reorganizing to do right now. Thank god we caught it almost immediately and were able to get it put out.  I am also immensely thankful that we were cleaning the house out for new furniture, and that it hadn’t arrived yet.

This will set me back, but it will not defeat me.  I will return soon, and stronger than ever (if mopping the ceiling doesn’t kill me, first.)

In the meanwhile, I have had requests for an email notification system for new files, updates, the works.  If you would like to be on this list send me an email **From the email you want to be notified at** and just make “add me” your subject line.  I hope to have a bit of fun with my email list here in the very near future.

In the meanwhile, here’s a coupon for 25% off: Burnitdown18

Thank you for all you do, and your support!

 

 

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(Deep breath) OK. For those of you out there who haven’t tried raising 4 kids after the death of a partner and running a business and dealing with all the legal mumbo jumbo that both the death and business entail? I don’t recommend it. At all. It’s like waking up at the bottom of a deep, muddy, slick hole and clawing your way to the first available handhold, frantically digging out a makeshift shelf and then collapsing, exhausted–all while praying rain doesn’t come and destabilize the whole mess and send you back to the bottom of the hole. The rains come way too frequently, to boot. I feel like i am in a mud sucking mess more times than not. I keep clawing, though. I am determined to see the edge of this hole and the beginning of the next chapter of mine and the kids’ lives begin sooner than later. This isn’t permanent, it’s simply a line of demarcation between what was good, and what will be even better.

I miss him, y’all.  I miss him with every breath I take. His smile, his laugh, his sense of humor.  Everything. I wear his thumbprint around my neck engraved on the back with “imprinted on my heart forever.” The countless days ahead of me echo hollowly, knowing he isn’t there to make them meaningful. No one stops and tells you that when a person dies? Their physical death is actually the least impactful.  You can reconcile a now inanimate body in your brain.  However, when you are going through personal belongings, folding up shirts and pants that still smell like the person you loved most in the world? Or throwing away items they used, but you have no use for? Those million little things create new deaths, new sensations of loss. Those, my dears–those are the deaths that can, and DO–shred your heart.

I have a lot to share with you. I have received many requests to tell my side of the SWT story and it’s birth, and If you would permit me? I would like to.  For the catharsis it brings my heart, and to keep SWT and the amazing person he is (just on a non corporeal level, now) alive, even if in just a few hearts and minds.

I apologize for the lack of files. My computer system went belly up at the same time my vehicle died.  I was able to secure financing for a new toyota sienna (which got totaled by a deer two weeks later, joy) concussed me, and put hiatus on all my other plans until the issue of death legalities was settled. I am upgrading here in the next week-ish. I am working as fast as I can, please bear with me. This is tougher than I could have ever imagined.

However, I am hoping that over the next few months the more normal, playful, SWT inspiring side of me begins to shine through for y’all and your benefit.

Here is a coupon code for y’all: summersun18 and it is worth 30% off.

Mwahs!  I love you all so much, thank you for being loyal and loving and supportive during such a difficult time.  You bring sunshine peeking out on my darkest days.

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Back in Black

Hello my lovelies!!

In December, when I said that I would be running silent for the month, to try and focus on myself and the children, and to find some equilibrium for us, I didn’t anticipate the dark days ahead.  Our anniversary and Christmas passed mostly without event, much to my surprise.  It was SWTs birthday on January 8 that didn’t just throw me off the horse.  It then proceeded to stomp and kick me into the ground and then laid down and rolled, as well.  SWT and my oldest son knew of a youtube channel he had posted and showed me. On this channel there was a video of SWT singing a rendition of “Piano Man” that he had rewritten for a friend who was celebrating her last day at a previous job of his.  Seeing him, hearing him–after three months of silence was just more than my brain could bear, and then at that moment our youngest son (2) heard his voice and came flying down the hall yelling “Daddy!  Daddy!” and tried to reach for him through the computer screen.  All I can say is that at that moment, anything that may have still been clinging to some illusion of being whole in me, shattered.  I fell into a depression I am still finding my way out of, but I think that finally, after almost two more months of sabbatical than I planned?  I am finally getting there.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you who continued to check on me.  For your emails, your stories of your families, your successes with our products, even just funny little anecdotes or condolences.  You will never know how much all of that meant to me, how it helped me pull through one day at a time.  Looking back, I realize that I should have leaned into this community and how you embraced me after SWTs loss, rather than turning away and hiding.  The site, writing to you all–it kept me going, and gave me something to focus on, to work towards.  Without it, I became lost in my own head, in a terrible dark space–SWT became a place that was just one more symbol of my loss; working on files became just one more concrete example of how he was really gone.  Thank you for supporting me and allowing me space to grieve and find my footing, and for continuing to keep the site profitable while I mourned.  I know I’ve said it a million times, but you are all beyond amazing.  I am blessed.

To bring you all the updates that people have been asking for?  I AM continuing to run SWT.  I am establishing a game plan for the site as we speak to keep it moving smoothly, moving foward, and to make sure I have something to keep myself accountable.  SWTs goal was to take the  site mainstream and make it a mover and a shaker, so that it would be a source of income for me should anything happen to him.  We wanted to continue to roll out better and better files, and to keep the site evolving and cutting-edge to meet the needs of you all as our family in this community.  Expect the look of SWT to change some in the coming months as I make sure that everything here is legalese perfect, so that I can begin some mainstream advertising to drive the site.

I have mostly mastered the sound software at this point, so start expecting to see new files popping up soon.  Also, through the months since SWT has passed?  I have gotten many, many requests for some amazing files from some of you, and while I will continue to keep SWT stocked with files that encourage your wives to find their inner sex Goddess?  I will also begin to introduce some files that meet the changing demands of the community and promote intimacy and communication within marriage, encourage your wives to embrace their bodies changes with age, and a couple specialty areas.  I’ve lightly mentioned that I come from a medical background and I am going to turn the passion for psychology and the workings of the deeper mind into inspiration for a different line of files–but more on that later when I have a bit better timeline in place.  I can’t tell you how excited I am to grow with you all!

Above all, please continue to bear with me.  I haven’t told many of you the larger portion of my story:  In 2016, SWT and I moved from the Pacific Northwest (Oregon–where I spent almost all of my 37 years) to the midwest for a new job opportunity for him.  When he died in October I found myself alone with four children, my friends and family over two thousand miles away.  The loneliness and stress from trying to do everything by myself has been beyond daunting.  I will be moving back home when my two oldest are done with school for the year, and I will finally have access to childcare for my two younger kids so that I can devote a chunk of time to SWT and my other endeavors, not just during odd hours when they happen to be sleeping or preoccupied for a 5-minute stretch.  That is when things will start moving along at a much more reliable pace.  Until then, I am here!  my gmail had a syncing glitch about two weeks ago and I lost a lot of email.  Some of it has “reappeared” in my box, but if I haven’t responded to you and it’s been a while, please resend.  I’ll answer as soon as I can.

 

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OMG.

Ok, ok…I know I said no more public facing posts  until January.  What can I say?  I can’t stay away from you guys….!  LOL

Seriously, though–I made mention in my last post that changes were coming as I transitioned the business away from SWTs umbrella and got everything situated under mine.  So to update you all:

  1. paypal transactions will now show up as processed to unlimitedpo.  That is my business name, Unlimited Potential Technologies.  That way you all know no fraud or strange, shady happenings are occurring.
  2. Paypal and amazon have decided to break,for some reason known only to the universe itself.  This means that links are not being generated with purchases.  I will try to keep on top of these orders and will email links to all purchasers once a day in the evening, until I can figure out what in Hades happened and get it working right.  I apologize for the inconvenience this represents to all of you!!  I will have it back on track ASAP, I promise.
  3. The new email is mistresstrainher@gmail.com.  I have this email linked to my mobile devices so I can keep an eye on what is going on in real-time and try to nip these annoying issues in the bud.

Any questions?  Email me!  I really do love hearing from you all for anything and everything.  I’ll do my best to answer within a day.  Take care and all of you, BE SAFE and have a happy holiday!!

 

 

 

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Jolly Holidays, Indeed

The best part of Christmas is spreading that holiday cheer and glow to those around you, right?  I’ll be adding my address at the end of this post for those of you generous enough to send me various libations to make sure I’m feeling that warm glow through the new years…:)

Send me your sexiest “What I want for Christmas” story, fantasy, etc–and I’ll make sure Santa puts something extra nice in your stocking when he visits Christmas eve!!!

 

~mSWT

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Confessions…

Well, here we are back up and running!  I apologize, as I was running the black Friday sale I started getting messages the site was down.  When I contacted GoDaddy the first tech told me that it was a DNS propagation issue and that if the site wasn’t back up by Sunday, to call in again.  Sunday morning rolls around, I realize SWT isn’t up and I call in, to be told that the original tech was 100% incorrect, somehow auto renew had been turned off for our annual billing options.  Hm.  So a tidy sum of money later for “restoration” fees and the page is back.  I appreciate all the emails of concern and offers of help SWT being down generated.  I just can’t say it enough:  You guys are AWESOME!!!  The black friday sale was a bust, and I apologize.  To all of you who wrote to me, trying to play in the game, I’ll be sending you all emails with coupon codes for your time and energy.  Some of your responses had me rolling on the floor as I read them.

Confession time, now:  SWT and I enjoyed an amazing, amazing sex life.  He tried the files on me for efficacy and to see if he could modify my behaviors or prompt me to do things in different ways in the bedroom.  The subliminals we tested on me were the jalapeno that adds that perfect dash of heat and spice to an amazing salsa.  I’m dying here.  I’m 2500 miles away from my friends and my family.  When SWT died, literally all physical intimacy–hugs, kisses, hand holding, EVERYTHING– died, too.  It’s been seven weeks and there are days I feel like rolling around in my front yard meowing, seeing if that will attract any attention.  My girlfriends all tell me “Get some toys!  No Shame!!” and believe me you, I’ve been introduced to a couple sites that certainly sparked…hmmm. I don’t know.  I will say they were extremely colorful and eye-opening, and I was pretty sure I had seen it all.  Besides, as good couples know, it’s not just about the “O”, it’s just as much the leading up to it that makes or breaks a sexual encounter.  Toys have their place, and it’s a mindblowing one–but it’s not replacing a partner outright.  At least not in my book.

Anyway, I digress.  I am devoted to you all, and to making SWT run with envelope pushing, effective files.  However, my devotion stops short of enduring the kind of frustration testing those files would leave me in, with absolutely no outlet.  This is where I need my community to rally around again and help me.  I need beta testers, badly.   If you are interested in testing files for me, email me.  Let me know what kind of files you would be willing to try–and would you be flexible in deviating from your typical file type if I were to be rolling something out that I really needed an efficacy check of?  I will select people and place them in groups.  Not every group will test every file; you’ll be given a group number or letter and I’ll assign file testing (and given files) based on that.

This will also be my last public interaction with the site through early January.  I am exhausted.  My life behind the SWT face is in turmoil as I try to tie up loose ends, and bring the business under my name for future  transactions.  My kids are grieving and the two oldest are having really hard times without their dad right now.  I am running around trying to be everyone to everybody, all the time–and to get all the side business done, too. Therefore, I’ve decided that I am going to take a month’s leave starting December 10.  SWT and my wedding anniversary is December 19, we would have been married 8 years.  Then comes Christmas, and the second month (to the day) since he passed.  January 8 is his birthday.  He would have been 49.  I still get head spins when I think of how young he was, and how much life we had in front of us.  We were together for almost 9 years in total (We officially started dating on Feb 14, 2009.)  I am 36.  I never planned for this, everybody.  I still can’t fathom that in the blink of an eye, he will have been gone from my life longer than he was in it.  That at my age, I can live another lifetime and a half from this moment, until it is time to be with him again.

I need time to focus on myself, and to be there for the kids and try to salvage what I can for them from the wreckage that has become this year’s holiday season.  I need to sit down and spend some quality time with the sound mixing software we use to generate the files, and bring myself up to speed.  More than anything, I just need to be able to stare in to space and let the emotions roll through me, without having to worry that they are ill placed and inconvenient for the moment at hand.

In the meanwhile, I will still be active behind the scenes.  I’m working through a crazy huge pile of emails. I WILL get to yours, and respond.  If it takes a bit I apologize, but I am literally sorting through 2 months of digital correspondence.  I really love reading your emails.  So, to that direction, even though I am swamped, keep sending suggestions in, or personal anecdotes.  Send me an email if you’re interested in being a beta tester.  I will be updating emails and making some changes while I’m on leave, so keep an eye out for those.

 

Happy Holidays, everyone!  Be safe and I can’t wait to see you in the new year!!  xoxoxoxo

 

Coupon: Jollyholidays (25% off) Now-December 26

 

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Black Friday Announcement

Hi Everyone,

I apologize for the extended absence, my mom is in town for the holiday week and I’m trying to use the time to get as much wrapped up, neatly as I can, before I am back to doing this all solo.  I wish SWT, in his infinite wisdom, had at least had the foresight to magic up a maid for me before checking out!  The nerve, I tell you!!

I’ve been watching sales from my phone, and it seems like the thankyou coupon is getting good use.  I’m so glad! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you all:  Your continued support of our site, and the many emails and private comments I have gotten expressing both condolences and the offers of help as I learn to navigate this all on my own–it’s beyond what words can adequately express, and I wake up, every day, humbled and grateful for all of you.  Due to the amount of paperwork, calls, running around, etc–that dealing with the early aftermath of death entails, I’m still going to be AFK for extended periods.  I apologize.  I will respond to your emails as quickly as time allows.  I want to make sure that I can provide thoughtful answers to your questions, not just hastily scribbled emails in the five minutes between appointments.

Now, on to Black Friday.  So guys, while the rest of the world is going crazy fighting over discounted flat screen TVs and Isotoner slippers and whatever else all the big box stores decide to have on offer for the busiest shopping day of the year? I want to do something a little more fun than just standing in line, hoping you get the item you’re wanting.  If you end up standing in one (or many!!) of those lines fear not, you can still log in to the site and play the little “Truth or dare” game I have in mind, to win great discount coupons good for any file on the site.  The answers to the questions can be submitted both by private email or comment,  depending on which you prefer.

 

Are you ready to play?  Here goes…

 

SWT had a fetish that I had NEVER heard of, before we got together.  I didn’t exactly run in innocent circles prior to our meeting, either.  It has been briefly touched on at various times in this site.  What absolutely revved SWT’s engine, guys?  Look “Deep in to your mind” and the answer might make itself clear.

 

Sex is a passion of mine, outside the bedroom as much as in its confines.  I can read data until I am blue in the face,  but it still doesn’t give me a big picture in the same way talking to you all does.  What is your favorite sex position/act?  Why?  What one thing does your wife just not do that you wish she would, or does she not do enough to satisfy you?

 

When you see your wife getting attention from another guy, does it make you hot, crazy jealous, or something in between?

 

What one thing could your wife do to make you feel more empowered in your sexual relationship with her?

 

Are you and your wife currently “e-intimate?”  Do you send each other dirty little messages over the course of the day,  to let each other know how much the other turns you on?  This was something SWT and I did regularly; it led to many a locked door and late dinner time when he got home in the evenings and we’d made each other so crazy that “hands off” until bedtime simply was not going to happen.  If you do this, tell me about it–are you satisfied?  Do you wish your wife would be a little more racy in her texts of affection towards you?  If you don’t, would this be something you’d like to see a file for?

 

The rules of engagement are this:  I’ll be accepting answers to all questions from 12a-midnight (PST) Friday, November 24.  Each question will have several responses selected to receive coupons for any file on the site, the discount value will be between 50-80% off of the product of your choice. In addition, anyone who purchases a file on black Friday will  be entered into a drawing to receive a coupon code for a FREE file.  The codes can be saved for future releases of new products.  The winner of the free file also has the option to redeem that coupon code for 50% off of a custom file once that option becomes available again.

 

One last parting thought:  I’ll be making some big announcements over the next week or so, including how you can get newly released files for free, so stay tuned!

 

Have a wonderful holiday and as always, Happy Training! I hope to see you all on Friday! 🙂

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Best Month Ever!!

Can I tell you just how much you all rock?!!  In spite of my previous blog about SWT, I know he is grinning ear to ear that you helped make October the best month we have ever had on this site!  He would have some cocky, hilarious little expose he would put up with a coupon to thank you all for your loyalty to us, and to our products.

I DID try to put a coupon out there with that post, but oops–excuse the noob mistake–I forgot to give you all the code for it.   The code is thankyou.  Thank you for being such a great group of people who have taken our site from the little pop up it was just a year ago, to a really thriving, full fledged business.  Thank you for being there for a man who was let down by people who should have been there for him in the run up to the surgery, when he was frightened of so many things, but mostly, of leaving me here with our children and no way to assure our safety and well-being.  From the bottom of my heart particularly, THANK YOU for the outpouring of support in the aftermath of all this:  the offers of help, of emotional support, and the positive affirmations that even though it sucks right now (and it sucks, hard) it will get better and I can handle it.  Words fail–so enjoy the 25% off the entire site until November 23 as a means  of expressing my gratitude to you all! I have some plans for some black Friday fun and games, so stay tuned in the near future for announcements regarding those.

In the meanwhile, learning to format files means I need to have some material to practice with!  I am not able to access all of SWTs information for the site at this point, so if you have suggestions for files you would like to see become reality, shoot me and line and I’ll see what I can do about making it happen.

Happy Holidays and Happy Training, Folks!!

 

-mSWT

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Lifting the Veil

Hi All,

This is Melissa (missus SWT).  I have been delaying posting for over two weeks now, and I apologize.  Dave (SWT) passed away shortly after my last update in the early hours of the morning on October 25.  I don’t know what all he shared with you as a group, but I have been humbled with the outpouring of support you all had given him prior to the procedure, especially when family and friends couldn’t be bothered to call or check in on us, let alone take time to listen to him or offer help.  I have medical background–before I became a lazily content, well-trained housewife, I was employed in a cutting edge, level-one trauma center on the west coast.  I received a call from the hospital just after midnight and I could hear shouting and code alarms going wild in the back ground.  The RN wouldn’t tell me anything, of course–except that Dave’s condition had changed and I needed to get in ASAP. I woke up four sleepy kids, hauled them in to the car, and drove the 10 minutes from our hotel to the hospital.  When I got there the information was sparse from the staff–Dave had experienced a sudden run of ventricular fibrillation and while they were trying to cardiovert him back to a normal rhythm, his heart stopped completely. Apparently a staff doctor on that night was familiar with ECMO (a portable type of heart-lung bypass) and was able to get Dave on to that to buy them more time to get OR set up.

They took him to OR and after that, I have a lot of speculation as to what occurred.  In the medical conference which followed after, I was told his official time of death was called at 0307.  There was a lot of medical jargon bandied about, most of what had absolutely nothing to do with the reality of anatomy and physiology I understood, and when I asked questions I was stonewalled with a quick finality.  The surgeon’s practice has refused to contact me since that day, even to provide the medical excuses necessary for my two oldest to return to school. To give you an idea, I DID have a private autopsy conducted on SWT and I am currently awaiting the results of that, with an eye to pursuing medical malpractice.  My understanding is that this is NOT a first or second occurrence of the surgeons operating, and this makes me sick, not just for me, but for any other family that has suffered such a senseless, preventable loss.

 

So forgive me, this two weeks has been a blur of adjusting to a reality that I never truly entertained.  When SWT passed that morning, I didn’t just lose my husband.  I lost my lover, my best friend, and my partner in crime.  I lost a lifetime of our dreams, our hopes, and our plans–in the space of two hours. More than anything, I never realized how SWT and I were always “touching.”  He had a day job, and during the evening we were in close proximity as we worked on our site, but we were always connected in some way, no matter  how close or far apart we were. Sometimes text and g chat or silly little text  messages.  In the evenings it was long talks and snuggles and laughter while we did our thing, or talking from different rooms if we had separate projects going on.  Now he is gone, and the silence is absolutely deafening.  His things sit in our house, as if he will walk in the door at any moment–but the shadows fall, and lengthen, and I am faced with the reality that another day will pass without his cheerful “hey baby” and a sweet kiss when he walks in from work–that those days without him will now stretch to infinity.  I have two of everything in the world I now have no further use for, and the one thing I needed more than the oxygen I breathe is gone forever.  I am trying to learn how to grieve while honoring my four kids unique grieving styles, and hold what is left of my family together.  I feel that I should eulogize him more, but when trying to describe him, words fail.  I opted to have him cremated, as i will be returning home to the west coast as soon as school is over for the year, to avoid upsetting my kids more.  After finalizing arrangements, I was informed that my urn was available for engraving.  I picked a quote that I think embodies our marriage and our life together, and that is what I will share with you.  “Every once in a while, in the middle of an ordinary life, Love gives us a Fairytale.” He was my knight, my protector,my everything. My  existence was so much brighter for having him in it, and I just have still not accepted the reality that his amazing story has come to an end, and that mine must march on, so much less colorful and mundane without his vivid splashes of ingenuity, and humor, and irreverence for life and its constraints brightening up my more serious nature.

 

He had such affection for all of you as a group.  What started out as a random money making idea (Hey, is there a market for this?? Let’s find out!) Quickly became a passion as your success stories started to trickle in and he realized he was providing something that was not only wanted, but was truly helping the market he was tapping in to.  He loved sharing your stories with me, and we loved getting feedback from you and devising new scripts together based on your input.  I oftentimes wonder if we maybe knew what was going to happen.  We loved harder those last couple weeks, and we talked about things we have never before approached–things like the question of what would happen to SWT if he were to  die on the table, or sometime immediately following.  His overwhelming desire was to have me continue the site in his absence. I want to let you all know I’ve decided to do that. Ever since SWT came clean and admitted what he was doing to me, I’ve been instrumental in designing and testing the scripts.  I can’t believe I am doing this without my partner, but I would like to continue to provide you all feedback driven, high quality files that address many of the issues SWT and I overcame in our marriage to have a relationship that was (I am now finding out) the envy of so many people that knew us.  Please bear with me, SWT was my IT Geek Knight, and was the far more proficient of us at uploading files, managing coupons, etc.  I am still learning this side of the business and will be using the holiday breaks coming up to bring myself up to speed  on all of this, so I can begin rolling out files ASAP.  In the meanwhile, October was our best month overall in the history of the site!!  SWT is smiling, I know it.  I also know he’d roll out a coupon to celebrate and to thank all of you for your support!  I am  going to roll out a 25% sitewide coupon through Black friday (pssssst, there may be special deals on BF too) to give thanks.  Thanks for making our site such a fantastic success.  Thanks for anything you choose to be thankful for.  Remember to take a moment to give thanks especially for those important in your life, and if you can, take a moment to show them your affection.  Something I’ve learned in raw, painful clarity the last couple weeks is that tomorrow is NOT promised, so fill today with as much joy and love and sunshine as you can.

 

I am not going to post about our current “situation” here, but if you are interested in how we are doing, if we need assistance, etc–please feel free to contact me.  I will be manning the SWT email from now on, and I will be happy to give more details in a less public setting.  Thank you all for all your support!!

 

–mSWT