(Deep breath) OK. For those of you out there who haven’t tried raising 4 kids after the death of a partner and running a business and dealing with all the legal mumbo jumbo that both the death and business entail? I don’t recommend it. At all. It’s like waking up at the bottom of a deep, muddy, slick hole and clawing your way to the first available handhold, frantically digging out a makeshift shelf and then collapsing, exhausted–all while praying rain doesn’t come and destabilize the whole mess and send you back to the bottom of the hole. The rains come way too frequently, to boot. I feel like i am in a mud sucking mess more times than not. I keep clawing, though. I am determined to see the edge of this hole and the beginning of the next chapter of mine and the kids’ lives begin sooner than later. This isn’t permanent, it’s simply a line of demarcation between what was good, and what will be even better.
I miss him, y’all. I miss him with every breath I take. His smile, his laugh, his sense of humor. Everything. I wear his thumbprint around my neck engraved on the back with “imprinted on my heart forever.” The countless days ahead of me echo hollowly, knowing he isn’t there to make them meaningful. No one stops and tells you that when a person dies? Their physical death is actually the least impactful. You can reconcile a now inanimate body in your brain. However, when you are going through personal belongings, folding up shirts and pants that still smell like the person you loved most in the world? Or throwing away items they used, but you have no use for? Those million little things create new deaths, new sensations of loss. Those, my dears–those are the deaths that can, and DO–shred your heart.
I have a lot to share with you. I have received many requests to tell my side of the SWT story and it’s birth, and If you would permit me? I would like to. For the catharsis it brings my heart, and to keep SWT and the amazing person he is (just on a non corporeal level, now) alive, even if in just a few hearts and minds.
I apologize for the lack of files. My computer system went belly up at the same time my vehicle died. I was able to secure financing for a new toyota sienna (which got totaled by a deer two weeks later, joy) concussed me, and put hiatus on all my other plans until the issue of death legalities was settled. I am upgrading here in the next week-ish. I am working as fast as I can, please bear with me. This is tougher than I could have ever imagined.
However, I am hoping that over the next few months the more normal, playful, SWT inspiring side of me begins to shine through for y’all and your benefit.
Here is a coupon code for y’all: summersun18 and it is worth 30% off.
Mwahs! I love you all so much, thank you for being loyal and loving and supportive during such a difficult time. You bring sunshine peeking out on my darkest days.